yes it does, huey. yes it does.
day 1 of abstinence- again.
long story, maybe i will write about it, but i have once again proven to myself that i have earned my seat in the rooms of OA.
Monday, February 18, 2008
sugar kills
yes it does, huey. yes it does.
day 1 of abstinence- again.
long story, maybe i will write about it, but i have once again proven to myself that i have earned my seat in the rooms of OA.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
13 days clean
i did not drink tonight.
that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!
anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...
she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.
she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.
that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!
anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...
she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.
she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
fear
"how good it is to be free of fear from yourself" --before that 1st compulsive bite phamplet
i have been maintaining 6 days of continuous abstinence and after reading VOR today I realaized that I have been afraid to write about it. this disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling... i think subconciously i would "curse" my abstinence by writing about it. i really am focusing on each day sometimes i break it up into hours because the day is too much. anyway i am currently in my 1st abstinent weekend and it boggles my mind. when i do the actions within my control, turn my will over to god he is TRULY doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
i have been maintaining 6 days of continuous abstinence and after reading VOR today I realaized that I have been afraid to write about it. this disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling... i think subconciously i would "curse" my abstinence by writing about it. i really am focusing on each day sometimes i break it up into hours because the day is too much. anyway i am currently in my 1st abstinent weekend and it boggles my mind. when i do the actions within my control, turn my will over to god he is TRULY doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
Monday, February 4, 2008
something about the 4th...
the theme for today, my sponsor and i have decided is: stay in today! just a rephrasing of what we always say, but i like it nonetheless :) "for today" and "voices..." are especially good today. here are a couple lines that stood out to me:
FT: "the 12 step program is the same for me as it is for them. it shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions"
"fears are not facts. i can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears"
VOR: "i had to stop eating compulsively." through putting down the food and picking up the steps, the desire to overeat compulsively had been lifted"
god, you are god and i am not. recently i have not been willing to follow instruction or participate in my life. i do not know why that is the case. although i know that you are powerful and i am not. one thing that i do have power over is my will. today i choose to give you my will. i guess that means i am moving to the passenger's seat, letting you take control and resisting the urge to be a backseat driver. you are god; i am not... so you must know what you are doing. thank you in advance for an abstinent day.
FT: "the 12 step program is the same for me as it is for them. it shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions"
"fears are not facts. i can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears"
VOR: "i had to stop eating compulsively." through putting down the food and picking up the steps, the desire to overeat compulsively had been lifted"
god, you are god and i am not. recently i have not been willing to follow instruction or participate in my life. i do not know why that is the case. although i know that you are powerful and i am not. one thing that i do have power over is my will. today i choose to give you my will. i guess that means i am moving to the passenger's seat, letting you take control and resisting the urge to be a backseat driver. you are god; i am not... so you must know what you are doing. thank you in advance for an abstinent day.
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