13 days clean

i did not drink tonight.

that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!

anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...

she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.

she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.