i have three empty wine bottles i need to discard. i have put five in the garbage already. yesterday in the wee hours of the morning guided by an infrequent feeling that sometimes pushes me to get my life together, i packed a innocous chicken broth box with five bottles and went outside. the blue blackness of the sky stirred slightly as i walked deliberately accross the driveway. as i eased the box into the garbage the bottles clamored together noisely as if to announce my shame. cursing silently i hurried to finish my task. an unnerving pop hit the stillness of the morning. i felt watched and scanned the nearby area cautiously. "pop!"...it doesn't sound like an animal. i quickened my pace back into the known walls of my apartment.
my name is ....., an i may be an alcoholic.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
sugar kills
yes it does, huey. yes it does.
day 1 of abstinence- again.
long story, maybe i will write about it, but i have once again proven to myself that i have earned my seat in the rooms of OA.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
13 days clean
i did not drink tonight.
that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!
anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...
she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.
she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.
that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!
anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...
she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.
she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
fear
"how good it is to be free of fear from yourself" --before that 1st compulsive bite phamplet
i have been maintaining 6 days of continuous abstinence and after reading VOR today I realaized that I have been afraid to write about it. this disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling... i think subconciously i would "curse" my abstinence by writing about it. i really am focusing on each day sometimes i break it up into hours because the day is too much. anyway i am currently in my 1st abstinent weekend and it boggles my mind. when i do the actions within my control, turn my will over to god he is TRULY doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
i have been maintaining 6 days of continuous abstinence and after reading VOR today I realaized that I have been afraid to write about it. this disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling... i think subconciously i would "curse" my abstinence by writing about it. i really am focusing on each day sometimes i break it up into hours because the day is too much. anyway i am currently in my 1st abstinent weekend and it boggles my mind. when i do the actions within my control, turn my will over to god he is TRULY doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
Monday, February 4, 2008
something about the 4th...
the theme for today, my sponsor and i have decided is: stay in today! just a rephrasing of what we always say, but i like it nonetheless :) "for today" and "voices..." are especially good today. here are a couple lines that stood out to me:
FT: "the 12 step program is the same for me as it is for them. it shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions"
"fears are not facts. i can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears"
VOR: "i had to stop eating compulsively." through putting down the food and picking up the steps, the desire to overeat compulsively had been lifted"
god, you are god and i am not. recently i have not been willing to follow instruction or participate in my life. i do not know why that is the case. although i know that you are powerful and i am not. one thing that i do have power over is my will. today i choose to give you my will. i guess that means i am moving to the passenger's seat, letting you take control and resisting the urge to be a backseat driver. you are god; i am not... so you must know what you are doing. thank you in advance for an abstinent day.
FT: "the 12 step program is the same for me as it is for them. it shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions"
"fears are not facts. i can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears"
VOR: "i had to stop eating compulsively." through putting down the food and picking up the steps, the desire to overeat compulsively had been lifted"
god, you are god and i am not. recently i have not been willing to follow instruction or participate in my life. i do not know why that is the case. although i know that you are powerful and i am not. one thing that i do have power over is my will. today i choose to give you my will. i guess that means i am moving to the passenger's seat, letting you take control and resisting the urge to be a backseat driver. you are god; i am not... so you must know what you are doing. thank you in advance for an abstinent day.
Monday, January 28, 2008
rigorous honesty
i heard someone say that for a while before doing the next right thing became second nature they identified what they wanted to do then did the opposite. what i want to do right now is watch TV, zone out and not write about my present frustration. so instead i will post here on my blog, begin my 4th step and study for my quiz on wednesday.
i had a crappy weekend and my sponsor told me to write the following:
Please write about your weekend.. List the tools you used to try to maintanin abstinence and list the things you could have done, but didn't, to stay out of that horrible pit. Did you enjoy this weekend? If not, why go there again? What can you do today to keep out of that pit of hell?
No, I do not want to enter or remain in this pit of destructive eating. I am really disappointed in myself and angry at myself.
After I spoke to you on Friday morning I still had some cookies in my apartment and I tried to resist them, but I ate them. I did pray but rationalized that I shouldn’t waste the food. When I know it is really junk. I had my interview and came home to more left over binge food. I felt restless because I wanted to celebrate a successful interview and the long weekend coming up. Tory called but I did not call her back. My friend called me and we decided to go to happy hour, so I got a bottle of wine before I left because I did not want to spend a lot of money buying drinks. I know that alcohol weakens my defenses. i did not think to call anyone in program because I thought Saturday would be better. I always celebrated with food and alcohol and I don’t know how to have fun without them. Went out to eat with a friend on Friday night and had another drink. Although none of the food was on my food plan I rationalized than I did not have greek food that often, so I ate anyway. I also had a glass of wine at the meal. Came home and it was about 10pm and I was restless and figured since I had already broken my abstinence I might as well continue. Went to Wal-Mart and got food and another bottle of wine. I finished all of that while watching TV then passed out/went to bed.
Got up Saturday morning and went (grudgingly) to the High Point meeting. Felt out of place at the meeting, which I know was my faulty perception. Went home and felt terrible all day because of the alcohol from the day before. I did not get “fresh” binge foods but finished what I had from the night before. A friend invited me to go out that night, but I couldn’t because I was feeling the bad consequences from the night before. Stayed up late wasting time and got up at 4pm on Sunday. Went to the grocery store and pigged out. At this point I just did not care. I did tune into a online speaker meeting, but did not actively participate.
Stayed up late again and got up around 1pm today. I have class on Wednesday and Friday this week, so a lot of free time. I did my quite time this morning and realized that I was having a tantrum all weekend. i got up today and this first thing I said aloud (realizing that I had hid myself all weekend)was that I just did not want to deal with the world. I was not accepting the world as it is because I want a world in which I am thin, pretty, in a relationship, acing my courses and involved in fun/exciting things. That is not reality so I used food to distract me from my life. A couple of times I thought of calling someone just to get out of myself but didn’t because I did not feel like it. So my feelings, which were controlled by the food, dictated my decisions.
This weekend was miserable and I feel like shit.
tonight i went to a meeting and i feel better. still struggling... had a pan of brownies and i refused to throw them out. so i'm eating them.... poo.
tomorrow will be different right?
i had a crappy weekend and my sponsor told me to write the following:
Please write about your weekend.. List the tools you used to try to maintanin abstinence and list the things you could have done, but didn't, to stay out of that horrible pit. Did you enjoy this weekend? If not, why go there again? What can you do today to keep out of that pit of hell?
No, I do not want to enter or remain in this pit of destructive eating. I am really disappointed in myself and angry at myself.
After I spoke to you on Friday morning I still had some cookies in my apartment and I tried to resist them, but I ate them. I did pray but rationalized that I shouldn’t waste the food. When I know it is really junk. I had my interview and came home to more left over binge food. I felt restless because I wanted to celebrate a successful interview and the long weekend coming up. Tory called but I did not call her back. My friend called me and we decided to go to happy hour, so I got a bottle of wine before I left because I did not want to spend a lot of money buying drinks. I know that alcohol weakens my defenses. i did not think to call anyone in program because I thought Saturday would be better. I always celebrated with food and alcohol and I don’t know how to have fun without them. Went out to eat with a friend on Friday night and had another drink. Although none of the food was on my food plan I rationalized than I did not have greek food that often, so I ate anyway. I also had a glass of wine at the meal. Came home and it was about 10pm and I was restless and figured since I had already broken my abstinence I might as well continue. Went to Wal-Mart and got food and another bottle of wine. I finished all of that while watching TV then passed out/went to bed.
Got up Saturday morning and went (grudgingly) to the High Point meeting. Felt out of place at the meeting, which I know was my faulty perception. Went home and felt terrible all day because of the alcohol from the day before. I did not get “fresh” binge foods but finished what I had from the night before. A friend invited me to go out that night, but I couldn’t because I was feeling the bad consequences from the night before. Stayed up late wasting time and got up at 4pm on Sunday. Went to the grocery store and pigged out. At this point I just did not care. I did tune into a online speaker meeting, but did not actively participate.
Stayed up late again and got up around 1pm today. I have class on Wednesday and Friday this week, so a lot of free time. I did my quite time this morning and realized that I was having a tantrum all weekend. i got up today and this first thing I said aloud (realizing that I had hid myself all weekend)was that I just did not want to deal with the world. I was not accepting the world as it is because I want a world in which I am thin, pretty, in a relationship, acing my courses and involved in fun/exciting things. That is not reality so I used food to distract me from my life. A couple of times I thought of calling someone just to get out of myself but didn’t because I did not feel like it. So my feelings, which were controlled by the food, dictated my decisions.
This weekend was miserable and I feel like shit.
tonight i went to a meeting and i feel better. still struggling... had a pan of brownies and i refused to throw them out. so i'm eating them.... poo.
tomorrow will be different right?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
are you there god....?
yep it is me.
we talked about the spiritual awakening in appendix 2 tonight at the step study. my present understanding that is working right now: there is a god and i am not him. i grew up in the church and have a current distaste for it, yet i KNOW god is real...but i am still getting to know him. i guess that will be an ongoing journey...
some good nuggets were expressed in the meeting tonight:
---this program is a matter of life or death. if i continued eating the way i was i would die. so do i really want to recover and go to any lengths to do so.
-- insanity: doing the same thing over and over and excepting a different result
--we will recover
-- it is not a religion it is a relationship
-- the promises will ALWAYS materialize IF i work for them
-- put my worries in a god box and let him worry about it.
i missed a couple of days last week of meetings... i may start my 90 in 90 over again. i have mixed feelings about that... need to discuss this with my sponsor.
we talked about the spiritual awakening in appendix 2 tonight at the step study. my present understanding that is working right now: there is a god and i am not him. i grew up in the church and have a current distaste for it, yet i KNOW god is real...but i am still getting to know him. i guess that will be an ongoing journey...
some good nuggets were expressed in the meeting tonight:
---this program is a matter of life or death. if i continued eating the way i was i would die. so do i really want to recover and go to any lengths to do so.
-- insanity: doing the same thing over and over and excepting a different result
--we will recover
-- it is not a religion it is a relationship
-- the promises will ALWAYS materialize IF i work for them
-- put my worries in a god box and let him worry about it.
i missed a couple of days last week of meetings... i may start my 90 in 90 over again. i have mixed feelings about that... need to discuss this with my sponsor.
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