rigorous honesty

i heard someone say that for a while before doing the next right thing became second nature they identified what they wanted to do then did the opposite. what i want to do right now is watch TV, zone out and not write about my present frustration. so instead i will post here on my blog, begin my 4th step and study for my quiz on wednesday.

i had a crappy weekend and my sponsor told me to write the following:

Please write about your weekend.. List the tools you used to try to maintanin abstinence and list the things you could have done, but didn't, to stay out of that horrible pit. Did you enjoy this weekend? If not, why go there again? What can you do today to keep out of that pit of hell?

No, I do not want to enter or remain in this pit of destructive eating. I am really disappointed in myself and angry at myself.
After I spoke to you on Friday morning I still had some cookies in my apartment and I tried to resist them, but I ate them. I did pray but rationalized that I shouldn’t waste the food. When I know it is really junk. I had my interview and came home to more left over binge food. I felt restless because I wanted to celebrate a successful interview and the long weekend coming up. Tory called but I did not call her back. My friend called me and we decided to go to happy hour, so I got a bottle of wine before I left because I did not want to spend a lot of money buying drinks. I know that alcohol weakens my defenses. i did not think to call anyone in program because I thought Saturday would be better. I always celebrated with food and alcohol and I don’t know how to have fun without them. Went out to eat with a friend on Friday night and had another drink. Although none of the food was on my food plan I rationalized than I did not have greek food that often, so I ate anyway. I also had a glass of wine at the meal. Came home and it was about 10pm and I was restless and figured since I had already broken my abstinence I might as well continue. Went to Wal-Mart and got food and another bottle of wine. I finished all of that while watching TV then passed out/went to bed.
Got up Saturday morning and went (grudgingly) to the High Point meeting. Felt out of place at the meeting, which I know was my faulty perception. Went home and felt terrible all day because of the alcohol from the day before. I did not get “fresh” binge foods but finished what I had from the night before. A friend invited me to go out that night, but I couldn’t because I was feeling the bad consequences from the night before. Stayed up late wasting time and got up at 4pm on Sunday. Went to the grocery store and pigged out. At this point I just did not care. I did tune into a online speaker meeting, but did not actively participate.
Stayed up late again and got up around 1pm today. I have class on Wednesday and Friday this week, so a lot of free time. I did my quite time this morning and realized that I was having a tantrum all weekend. i got up today and this first thing I said aloud (realizing that I had hid myself all weekend)was that I just did not want to deal with the world. I was not accepting the world as it is because I want a world in which I am thin, pretty, in a relationship, acing my courses and involved in fun/exciting things. That is not reality so I used food to distract me from my life. A couple of times I thought of calling someone just to get out of myself but didn’t because I did not feel like it. So my feelings, which were controlled by the food, dictated my decisions.
This weekend was miserable and I feel like shit.

tonight i went to a meeting and i feel better. still struggling... had a pan of brownies and i refused to throw them out. so i'm eating them.... poo.
tomorrow will be different right?