oh god

it feels good to breathe.
i was so mad/frustrated this evening i stopped breathing.
i drove to a meeting tonight waaay out in the boondocks- it was like they were hiding it. i left 15 mins early, but there was an accident on the freeway, it was raining, the church was on these back roads and i had to stop for gas. all these elements were against me so i should have just went to the meeting that i went to last week- at least i knew where that was.
i found the church was five minutes late and as was walking towards the church i saw that it was surrounded by a cemetary. call me a baby, but in the middle of the night that freaked me out. to get to the building that resembled the church i would have to pass through the cemetary and that was not a "length" i was willing to take. i called the contact number of the person in the slight chance it was her cell and hse would answer, but it was disconnected so i am standing there in the rain feeling scared, stupid and i...

4 hours later...
i binged. i am tired. the food wasn't even good or worth it. i guess this is humbling to remind me that abstinence is really a daily gift because i was mentally already in the future. i dread speaking to my sponsor tomorrow. i let her down. moreover i let myself down. i hate this.