it only takes one bite...

i found myself in a grocery store parking lot tonight- desperate. i went to two f2f meetings today because i slipped and binged last night after a couple days of abstinence. i remember the moment right before the first bite thinking quite clearly that i am breaking my abstinence but at the same time thinking i would just get back on track tomorrow. well tommorrow is now today and it is has been a rollercoaster. the anxiety, fear and unsteadiness returned after i fed that craving.
the morning meeting was awesome. it was a big book study and i felt so spiritual fed. tonight i was excited to attend another meeting, which i heard had a good turn out. i was angry the entire time. i tried praying but it seemed to bounce out of heaven. the food was beckoning me as i slocuched in my chair trying not to doze during a share.
after we broke i immediately called a friend and left a voicemail. found myself driving into the plaza and i knew i was going to binge. i called another oa friend and left a vauge msg about checking in. in one last attempt i called my sponsor who wasn't at home. my one thought is this ever going to end? this struggle, this sick cycle...? i am so tired and i can't do this. in a last ditch effort i called another oa friend and thankfully she was there. i vented, she prayed, i breathed, shed a few tears, committed my plan for the night to her, she told me to call again if i run into trouble and i thankfully drove out and now am here recording a miracle.
god, thank you for quieting the noise in my head. thank you for sweet sleep tonight and not a food induced coma.
i surrender....