last night the fat on my neck and chin felt like it was compressing my trachea.
i felt/feel trapped in my skin like i feel trapped in my own house. i love my parents but there is no privacy here. i hate being questioned everytime i want to go to a meeting. where are you going? why? etc. i hate having to explain myself. since i am used to living alone it is hard to answer to them. i have not told them about OA... just don't think they will understand it and i feel comfortable discussing something so personal to me.
anyway, it is new year;s eve. i felt posting something.
went to a meeting last night and the speaker mentioned the concept of "top plate" when one's life is unmanageable it can be overwhelming to begin recovery work. so he said that the tactic he used is just focus on what is in front of me right now, what is most important- focus on that then the next plate will rise and i can then focus on that.
so my top plate is.....
go for a walk then take a shower.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
where are you?
d18--- did an online mtg in the afternoon. i was feeling strong, but oh how things change. while i do know that feelings are not facts i did not remember that and i ate dessert tonight. did not binge- but my food plan is no sugar. i knew it was because i was sad and felt alienated even while being around my family.
i know that it was because i had gained weight and it was readily apparent. and to rub salt in the wound the cousin i no longer have a good relationship was there and i was heavier than her! she was always the fat one. also i was missing christmas past- when i was a kid. also learned that a cousin of mine was getting married on october of 08 and he is younger than me. when will my love come?
i know that it was because i had gained weight and it was readily apparent. and to rub salt in the wound the cousin i no longer have a good relationship was there and i was heavier than her! she was always the fat one. also i was missing christmas past- when i was a kid. also learned that a cousin of mine was getting married on october of 08 and he is younger than me. when will my love come?
Sunday, December 23, 2007
step away from the sugar!
am i happy in my current state?
no.
went to my second meeting here in my hometown since i'm here for the holidays and it was a speaker meeting. i tried to stay aware as he was speaking instead of looking for things to criticize. some things he shared were:
-he finds comfort in the structure of weighed and measured meals
-he is consistent
-he does a lot of service
-he goes to meetings even when he does not feel like it
he appeared pretty serene, so i wanted to remeber what he said and try to apply that to my program. on second thought i will DO what he said.
he talked about how when he really got abstinent he can clearly recall time and phases in his life because he was actually seeing/experiencing his life in real time-- instead of being sedated and not really present.
i am not content with my life. there has to be more. so many times i hear people say that "it is not about the weight for the" well frankly (right now) physical recovery- as a young woman with 100+ excess pounds- it means a whole lot.
from what i hear from others who have recovered and read in the big book- there is a solution. god i pray for the willingness to be "painstaking", rigorously honest, thorough, not fool myself with half measures, go to any length, let go absolutely and completely abandon myself to you and the program.
i have to PUT THE FOOD DOWN!
no.
went to my second meeting here in my hometown since i'm here for the holidays and it was a speaker meeting. i tried to stay aware as he was speaking instead of looking for things to criticize. some things he shared were:
-he finds comfort in the structure of weighed and measured meals
-he is consistent
-he does a lot of service
-he goes to meetings even when he does not feel like it
he appeared pretty serene, so i wanted to remeber what he said and try to apply that to my program. on second thought i will DO what he said.
he talked about how when he really got abstinent he can clearly recall time and phases in his life because he was actually seeing/experiencing his life in real time-- instead of being sedated and not really present.
i am not content with my life. there has to be more. so many times i hear people say that "it is not about the weight for the" well frankly (right now) physical recovery- as a young woman with 100+ excess pounds- it means a whole lot.
from what i hear from others who have recovered and read in the big book- there is a solution. god i pray for the willingness to be "painstaking", rigorously honest, thorough, not fool myself with half measures, go to any length, let go absolutely and completely abandon myself to you and the program.
i have to PUT THE FOOD DOWN!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
right now
i am binging. and it isn't working. i am not happy, sad or any extreme emotion. just indifferent. i went to a meeting tonight so that makes it day 13. i met with my sponsor, becky for dinner before the meeting and it was good. i was more than satisfied. yet i end up here swimming in the metallic madness of wrappers. the brownies taste like shit. i devoured the first one in the car even though I knew from the first bite that I did not like the taste, but i ate it anyway. i opened it and took one bite and was disgusted-- it tastes like synthetic crap. this is not food. gotta admit that the twix still tastes good to me.
anatomy of a binge:
this began after the NA meeting on wednesday when i was thinking about what to do that evening and i had no clear plan. the seeds of self-pity and loneliness were present, i did try to make plans but it did not work out. my brother and i ended up talking to my brother and watching a movie online. i was eating during that and that was the turning point. that behavior of consuming while being entertained with the internet and tv is dangerous for me. i rationalized it in my mind that i could not overeat on pea soup (but since it is a starch that is slippery territory for me too) yet that led to me finishing off 7 rice cakes with peanut butter and raisins. and i did not admit this last night but i was wrestling with eating eggs. food was definitely very present and one my mind. tonight i was fine then as i was driving home from the meeting the thought popped in my head to stop by the store. i began to clutch my phone yet i did not dial. i can vividly recall tucking my phone back in my purse while in the drocery parking lot. walking into the store i walked determinedly to the food knowing i would binge... and shutting off the oa rhetoric. i think i even shook my head because the words of truth, that i did not have to do this, i have a choice to walk out and that the food will not solve anything- were echoing in my head.
so the crucial question is: what did i do to create an environment that helps me set my mind on things other than food?
despite the binge tonight i do not feel hopeless. i KNOW that this is only one brief moment on the continuum of my life. this moment does not have to define me. i choose to learn from it, surrender to god and accept it as further conformation that: " i am powerless over food- that my life has become unmanageable."
anatomy of a binge:
this began after the NA meeting on wednesday when i was thinking about what to do that evening and i had no clear plan. the seeds of self-pity and loneliness were present, i did try to make plans but it did not work out. my brother and i ended up talking to my brother and watching a movie online. i was eating during that and that was the turning point. that behavior of consuming while being entertained with the internet and tv is dangerous for me. i rationalized it in my mind that i could not overeat on pea soup (but since it is a starch that is slippery territory for me too) yet that led to me finishing off 7 rice cakes with peanut butter and raisins. and i did not admit this last night but i was wrestling with eating eggs. food was definitely very present and one my mind. tonight i was fine then as i was driving home from the meeting the thought popped in my head to stop by the store. i began to clutch my phone yet i did not dial. i can vividly recall tucking my phone back in my purse while in the drocery parking lot. walking into the store i walked determinedly to the food knowing i would binge... and shutting off the oa rhetoric. i think i even shook my head because the words of truth, that i did not have to do this, i have a choice to walk out and that the food will not solve anything- were echoing in my head.
so the crucial question is: what did i do to create an environment that helps me set my mind on things other than food?
despite the binge tonight i do not feel hopeless. i KNOW that this is only one brief moment on the continuum of my life. this moment does not have to define me. i choose to learn from it, surrender to god and accept it as further conformation that: " i am powerless over food- that my life has become unmanageable."
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
take care of today
i am flirting with the food right now. for the past couple of hours i have been thinking about food but not in the regular obsessive way. night times are hard for me and usually that coupled with the tv/internet will push me to binge. i did overeat and the itch was still there, but the crazy push to run to the 24 walmart is not there. usually the trek in the car would not be an obstacle for me. i would duck out in the dead of night in my hoodie to make the transaction. rushing all the while to get back home and retreat. but now that i have tasted a droplet of freedom my mind is not as chaotic and that i know is ONLY by the grace of God. it is confusing me right now.... i overate during dinner and i have the option to go right now to get a fix but i am staying here inside and writing. there is no logical explaination for that---just grace. i even ate sugar ( a couple of jelly beans) but i did not want more. i am not saying that i am healed from this food obsession- i am NOT normal with food at all. i feel like God is saying to me: I got this, this abstinence this is going to happen, trust me. prepare your enviornment as much as possible to support your recovery by setting strong boundaries with your food plan, eating behaviors and working the steps and the rest will be taken care of. take care of today- this hour, this moment and the weeks, months and years will take care of themselves. i know from the tuesday night meeting that feelings are not facts and that they come and go. yet i thank God for the peace i feel right now. just a simple assurance that i will be taken care of.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
welcome to recovery -d7
i just kept screaming.
soccer mom van just put on her indicator light and i wanted to run her over. "why won't you get out of my way, bitch!"
i left the meeting last night enraged. this group advocates that 30 days of abstinence be acquired before working the steps. but i went to the meeting because I am struggling to be abstienent. so what comes first. it is like telling the patient to become more healthy then i'll give you the medicine.
i am angry at this existence. angry that i cannot get away from my worst enemy.
myself.
soccer mom van just put on her indicator light and i wanted to run her over. "why won't you get out of my way, bitch!"
i left the meeting last night enraged. this group advocates that 30 days of abstinence be acquired before working the steps. but i went to the meeting because I am struggling to be abstienent. so what comes first. it is like telling the patient to become more healthy then i'll give you the medicine.
i am angry at this existence. angry that i cannot get away from my worst enemy.
myself.
star trek- star wars...same thing
captain's log - day ?
it appears that our ship is under duress. time has morphed and each passing minute could be a day. that tends to happen when one is under the influence.
you know that state of consciousness that is between being awake and sleeping? wellI was surfing through there for a while this morning/afternoon. in this "dream" i was at a four way intersection and I indicated that I wanted to make a left turn. I realized that I was on the wrong track and wanted to turn around. Only when the green arrow came on it was for a right turn. I was in the left lane so that did not make sense. Also I could have gone straight but that would have led me to a highway to god knows where. So I am freaking out because all I want to do is turn around and I can't. the people in back of me are blowing their horns all pissed off and shit. and i am frozen.
it appears that our ship is under duress. time has morphed and each passing minute could be a day. that tends to happen when one is under the influence.
you know that state of consciousness that is between being awake and sleeping? wellI was surfing through there for a while this morning/afternoon. in this "dream" i was at a four way intersection and I indicated that I wanted to make a left turn. I realized that I was on the wrong track and wanted to turn around. Only when the green arrow came on it was for a right turn. I was in the left lane so that did not make sense. Also I could have gone straight but that would have led me to a highway to god knows where. So I am freaking out because all I want to do is turn around and I can't. the people in back of me are blowing their horns all pissed off and shit. and i am frozen.
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