waste

i have three empty wine bottles i need to discard. i have put five in the garbage already. yesterday in the wee hours of the morning guided by an infrequent feeling that sometimes pushes me to get my life together, i packed a innocous chicken broth box with five bottles and went outside. the blue blackness of the sky stirred slightly as i walked deliberately accross the driveway. as i eased the box into the garbage the bottles clamored together noisely as if to announce my shame. cursing silently i hurried to finish my task. an unnerving pop hit the stillness of the morning. i felt watched and scanned the nearby area cautiously. "pop!"...it doesn't sound like an animal. i quickened my pace back into the known walls of my apartment.
my name is ....., an i may be an alcoholic.

sugar kills

yes it does, huey. yes it does.

day 1 of abstinence- again.

long story, maybe i will write about it, but i have once again proven to myself that i have earned my seat in the rooms of OA.

13 days clean

i did not drink tonight.

that is a miracle, because i really wanted to. i was planning to. yesterday morning i committed to another OA friend that would not drink because my defenses against food are weakened with alcohol, i have done crazy stuff under the influence, the sugar in it, and it augments my thinking. YET when it was time for me to go out i found myself in the supermarket checking out the wine section, particularly sangria, which is my favorite. i rationalized that i should get crystal light instead and just add some vodka. and that would be better because it does not have as much sugar. oh the lies i tell to myself!

anyway i am doing a series of questions with fellow OA that also is a recovering alcoholic. i am not, but i have alcoholic tendencies. i have abused alcohol... a lot and binged under the influence too many times to count. anyway, she is a straight shooter. she has me reading only from the big book and the AA 12 and 12. when i said that i had a high bottom she was very vocal about her opposing opinion. it was difficult to hear her say that i had a low bottom...

she asked me if i was still drinking and i said no, but i was planning on having a few tonight. she said that would be a mistake because it is pure sugar it would be breaking my abstinence. i know that, but it made me angry.. still kinda does. it feels like i am giving up everything. i am willing to give up the food gladly but alcohol is harder. especially as a young adult--- every social situation has alcohol! despite my desire i did not drink tonight. that can only be god. all i can say is that i don't want to go back to the hell of binging and if drinking will lead me to break my abstinence i can, just for today, grudingly give it up. i'll take the action and hope that my feelings catch up.

she has been sober for quite awhile, so i am taking her word for it that a sober life in all meanings of the word, is a good life.

fear

"how good it is to be free of fear from yourself" --before that 1st compulsive bite phamplet

i have been maintaining 6 days of continuous abstinence and after reading VOR today I realaized that I have been afraid to write about it. this disease is truly powerful, cunning and baffling... i think subconciously i would "curse" my abstinence by writing about it. i really am focusing on each day sometimes i break it up into hours because the day is too much. anyway i am currently in my 1st abstinent weekend and it boggles my mind. when i do the actions within my control, turn my will over to god he is TRULY doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

something about the 4th...

the theme for today, my sponsor and i have decided is: stay in today! just a rephrasing of what we always say, but i like it nonetheless :) "for today" and "voices..." are especially good today. here are a couple lines that stood out to me:

FT: "the 12 step program is the same for me as it is for them. it shows us how to live if we are willing to follow its instructions"
"fears are not facts. i can take the steps necessary to change my life in spite of my fears"

VOR: "i had to stop eating compulsively." through putting down the food and picking up the steps, the desire to overeat compulsively had been lifted"

god, you are god and i am not. recently i have not been willing to follow instruction or participate in my life. i do not know why that is the case. although i know that you are powerful and i am not. one thing that i do have power over is my will. today i choose to give you my will. i guess that means i am moving to the passenger's seat, letting you take control and resisting the urge to be a backseat driver. you are god; i am not... so you must know what you are doing. thank you in advance for an abstinent day.

rigorous honesty

i heard someone say that for a while before doing the next right thing became second nature they identified what they wanted to do then did the opposite. what i want to do right now is watch TV, zone out and not write about my present frustration. so instead i will post here on my blog, begin my 4th step and study for my quiz on wednesday.

i had a crappy weekend and my sponsor told me to write the following:

Please write about your weekend.. List the tools you used to try to maintanin abstinence and list the things you could have done, but didn't, to stay out of that horrible pit. Did you enjoy this weekend? If not, why go there again? What can you do today to keep out of that pit of hell?

No, I do not want to enter or remain in this pit of destructive eating. I am really disappointed in myself and angry at myself.
After I spoke to you on Friday morning I still had some cookies in my apartment and I tried to resist them, but I ate them. I did pray but rationalized that I shouldn’t waste the food. When I know it is really junk. I had my interview and came home to more left over binge food. I felt restless because I wanted to celebrate a successful interview and the long weekend coming up. Tory called but I did not call her back. My friend called me and we decided to go to happy hour, so I got a bottle of wine before I left because I did not want to spend a lot of money buying drinks. I know that alcohol weakens my defenses. i did not think to call anyone in program because I thought Saturday would be better. I always celebrated with food and alcohol and I don’t know how to have fun without them. Went out to eat with a friend on Friday night and had another drink. Although none of the food was on my food plan I rationalized than I did not have greek food that often, so I ate anyway. I also had a glass of wine at the meal. Came home and it was about 10pm and I was restless and figured since I had already broken my abstinence I might as well continue. Went to Wal-Mart and got food and another bottle of wine. I finished all of that while watching TV then passed out/went to bed.
Got up Saturday morning and went (grudgingly) to the High Point meeting. Felt out of place at the meeting, which I know was my faulty perception. Went home and felt terrible all day because of the alcohol from the day before. I did not get “fresh” binge foods but finished what I had from the night before. A friend invited me to go out that night, but I couldn’t because I was feeling the bad consequences from the night before. Stayed up late wasting time and got up at 4pm on Sunday. Went to the grocery store and pigged out. At this point I just did not care. I did tune into a online speaker meeting, but did not actively participate.
Stayed up late again and got up around 1pm today. I have class on Wednesday and Friday this week, so a lot of free time. I did my quite time this morning and realized that I was having a tantrum all weekend. i got up today and this first thing I said aloud (realizing that I had hid myself all weekend)was that I just did not want to deal with the world. I was not accepting the world as it is because I want a world in which I am thin, pretty, in a relationship, acing my courses and involved in fun/exciting things. That is not reality so I used food to distract me from my life. A couple of times I thought of calling someone just to get out of myself but didn’t because I did not feel like it. So my feelings, which were controlled by the food, dictated my decisions.
This weekend was miserable and I feel like shit.

tonight i went to a meeting and i feel better. still struggling... had a pan of brownies and i refused to throw them out. so i'm eating them.... poo.
tomorrow will be different right?

are you there god....?

yep it is me.
we talked about the spiritual awakening in appendix 2 tonight at the step study. my present understanding that is working right now: there is a god and i am not him. i grew up in the church and have a current distaste for it, yet i KNOW god is real...but i am still getting to know him. i guess that will be an ongoing journey...

some good nuggets were expressed in the meeting tonight:
---this program is a matter of life or death. if i continued eating the way i was i would die. so do i really want to recover and go to any lengths to do so.
-- insanity: doing the same thing over and over and excepting a different result
--we will recover
-- it is not a religion it is a relationship
-- the promises will ALWAYS materialize IF i work for them
-- put my worries in a god box and let him worry about it.

i missed a couple of days last week of meetings... i may start my 90 in 90 over again. i have mixed feelings about that... need to discuss this with my sponsor.

just a call away

participated in a phone meeting tonight. i was driving and it felt great that i could connect with other COE even in my car.
even after that i still binged though.... i think it had something to do with my report card and i was worried about the work i had ahead of me this semester.
sigh.
tomorrow is a new day. i will use the tool of a meal plan to help me abstain.
going to email my sponsor.
i know that this will pass and i won't be defeated by this. but i have to keep fighting.

oh god

it feels good to breathe.
i was so mad/frustrated this evening i stopped breathing.
i drove to a meeting tonight waaay out in the boondocks- it was like they were hiding it. i left 15 mins early, but there was an accident on the freeway, it was raining, the church was on these back roads and i had to stop for gas. all these elements were against me so i should have just went to the meeting that i went to last week- at least i knew where that was.
i found the church was five minutes late and as was walking towards the church i saw that it was surrounded by a cemetary. call me a baby, but in the middle of the night that freaked me out. to get to the building that resembled the church i would have to pass through the cemetary and that was not a "length" i was willing to take. i called the contact number of the person in the slight chance it was her cell and hse would answer, but it was disconnected so i am standing there in the rain feeling scared, stupid and i...

4 hours later...
i binged. i am tired. the food wasn't even good or worth it. i guess this is humbling to remind me that abstinence is really a daily gift because i was mentally already in the future. i dread speaking to my sponsor tomorrow. i let her down. moreover i let myself down. i hate this.

self-trust

at tonight's meeting we read various selections from the "for today" book. the quote for January 28th was "self trust is the essence of heroism". a lady shared that she when she thought of a hero it was someone who trusted themself to act in the right manner during a crisis. for her she has self trust because she has trust in god. as she immerses herself into god she finds her thinking and behavior changes, so she no longer has to be fearful around food-- or not trust her judgement in any circumstance she finds herself in.

another lady shared about the three P's: plan, prepare and pray. plan her meals, prepare her meals, and pray that god helps her stay abstinent. abstinence is the core of recovery. it is power. it is life. without it i DIE.

i am part of an email recovery group and a lady wrote this today which i think is a great summary on the importance of being abstinent. the necessity of clinging to this life raft that is saving from drowning in the misery of compulsive overeating.

"I will also always advocate black and white abstinence, because giving up the drug of choice is always the first goal of any 12 step program. Every one of the 90+ old-timers that I've listened to will say "my abstinence is..." and if they adhere to it, they're abstinent, and if they don't they're not. I guess that's as black and white as it gets, but I don't see it as a bad thing, and I don't agree that "most" recovering OAs could not survive this way since I learned it from all of them in the first place. As far as dealing with food in general goes, there are tons of ways to approach it, as we'll all seen over our lifetimes. But this is OA, and the objective is abstinence. It used to be a tool for recovery, but now it is the goal of recovery and the tools are what help us achieve it one day at a time.

Sure, there are two other legs of the stool, but the first leg, and most important leg is abstinence. I didn't come to such black and white thinking by accident. I came to it when I realized that OA is a food oriented form of AA and therefore, in order to recover, I had to give up the foods that caused me to COE. An AA gives up all alcohol and it doesn't get any more black and white in that program. Ours is the same program, except our substance is food as it manifests in overeating. We don't tell an AA that a few sips of beer is ok as long as he didn't drink a pint of vodka. They're either sober or they are not and drug addicts are either clean or they are not. Spenders are either overspending or they are not and gamblers are either gambling or they are not. In terms of recovery, there are many paths to take, but in terms dealing of the substance abuse, it's very much black and white across the board. If an alcoholic is still drinking, he can still be working toward recovery, this is true, but he is not sober. If I'm still in the food, I can still be in recovery, striving for abstinence, but I'm not abstinent."

by the way today was fabulous. i made it through binge free last night only by god's grace and help. though recovery is difficult it is not possible. when i do use the tools it works. thank god for peace today. the anxiety, unsettledness that i felt yesterday is GONE. thank you god for peace-today. i will get up tomorrow and do the same work so that i can have the same daily repreive tomorrow. that is truly a samll sacrifice for the gift of abstinence.

it only takes one bite...

i found myself in a grocery store parking lot tonight- desperate. i went to two f2f meetings today because i slipped and binged last night after a couple days of abstinence. i remember the moment right before the first bite thinking quite clearly that i am breaking my abstinence but at the same time thinking i would just get back on track tomorrow. well tommorrow is now today and it is has been a rollercoaster. the anxiety, fear and unsteadiness returned after i fed that craving.
the morning meeting was awesome. it was a big book study and i felt so spiritual fed. tonight i was excited to attend another meeting, which i heard had a good turn out. i was angry the entire time. i tried praying but it seemed to bounce out of heaven. the food was beckoning me as i slocuched in my chair trying not to doze during a share.
after we broke i immediately called a friend and left a voicemail. found myself driving into the plaza and i knew i was going to binge. i called another oa friend and left a vauge msg about checking in. in one last attempt i called my sponsor who wasn't at home. my one thought is this ever going to end? this struggle, this sick cycle...? i am so tired and i can't do this. in a last ditch effort i called another oa friend and thankfully she was there. i vented, she prayed, i breathed, shed a few tears, committed my plan for the night to her, she told me to call again if i run into trouble and i thankfully drove out and now am here recording a miracle.
god, thank you for quieting the noise in my head. thank you for sweet sleep tonight and not a food induced coma.
i surrender....

one third

so it has been thirty days into this exercise of attending 90 meetings in 90 days.
i am in panera right now feeling settled. i went to a rise and shine meeting at 8am and just finished a writing assignment for a online step study i am in. this meeting started out rocky and i was thinking that i would not be coming back anytime soon. yet i think that it has been the best meeting yet, since i have been back home. i see how my attitude affects my meeting experience. when i pray "god help me be open and willing to listen" before entering the room i undoubtably can receive wonderful wisdom and ESH (experience, strength and hope) from my fellows.
as i mentioned earlier i am doing this "working the steps" online study offered through the recovery group. the objective is 12 steps in 12 weeks- in 4 quarters each year. we are doing pre-step work. if you are really interested here is the link to what the leader requested us to write upon: http://www.therecoverygroup.org/wts/2008/2008-01q1.html

Here are my repsonses so far. Hopefully you can follow.

WTS- Step One

After reading the Doctor’s Opinion, for your step work, write about how you are like what is described, or how you relate.
I see myself mirrored in these words in multiple places. He wrote “they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is little hope of his recovery.”
Oh! How I know that miserable merryground of binging, the frantic runs to the grocery store racing down the aisles vowing that this would be the last time, emerging bruised, fat-bloated, sugar loaded, and swearing that tomorrow would be different, but tomorrow never came.
I woke up this morning begging God for just one day free from this mental obsession and to please grant me “serenity (which) is knowing and accepting that God is in charge.” I thought that I would be immediately struck with a burning bush experience and have an immediate psychic change. I am learning that change happens in stages and I cannot wait for a certain or ideal moment. I simply have to do the footwork, submit myself to God and let him do the rest. Action is not dependent on my feelings.

As part of your step work, add any 'alcoholic' behaviors to your list, in addition to alcoholic foods.
Alcoholic foods:
Sugar (man-made), pizza, chips, bread (especially those made from white flour)
Alcoholic behaviors:
Eating in front of the TV, eating while reading, eating under the influence of alcohol

Please write in your step work about what food sobriety will mean to you, how you will be food sober before taking the steps.

Thank you Gerri for this challenge of being food sober. I definitely agree that abstinence is the necessary foundation for recovery. Presently I am still working and establishing a definite food plan. But I do commit that I will abstain from my alcoholic foods and behaviors for the duration of the study. No excuses. I do have an appt. with a nutritionist on January 14th to establish a sound food plan. Until that time I am committing my food daily to my sponsor on the basis of two guidelines: 3 moderate meals and total abstinence from alcoholic foods and behaviors.

Can you see yourself in Bill's Story? Can you see your powerlessness and the unmanageability? Write about this in your step work.

I see many of my own thoughts written in Bill’ story. On page 2 he wrote, “ I’d prove to the world that I was important.” I definitely relate to that statement because I can recall how my decisions were dictated by the opnions of others (real or imagined). I vocally and adamantly denied caring about the opinions of other people. Yet all the while shaking internally with fear and fall into the depths of anxiety if someone looked at me funny. My lips professed freedom from public opinion, yet in reality my actions/choices were easily swayed if I thought someone (not even as important as my parents/family/close friends) would not approve. My undergrad major was chosen because I wanted to impress people with by studying a difficult subject. But instead of excelling in my classes I did poorly and my self esteem took a brutal beating. I was not working/living in my strengths. Instead I choose to study science because it is respected and I wanted to appear smart. One of my deep fears is to thought of as stupid. All of that is to say that I didn’t feel value internally so I was seeking outside affirmation based on my accomplishments.
Bill wrote on page 5, “ I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw that I could not take so much as one [bite]. I was through forever. Before then, I had written lots of sweet promises, but my wife happily observed that this time I meant business. And so I did. Shortly afterward I came home drunk [with sugar]. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply did not know. It hadn’t even come to mind. Someone had pushed [sugar/junk food] my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy?! I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. Renewing my resolve, I tried again.” … (he ultimately goes back to the bottle)
The times are innumerable that I have utter those very same words of regret and remorse after a sugar/junk food binge: “this madness must stop.” I was sincere I wrote out the plan, read the stories of others who lost weight ad nauseaum and geared myself up for the challenge. Then (seemingly) out of no where I would find myself waking up again, head pounding because of a sugar hangover, body aching from the man-made crap in junk food and completely hopeless because yet again I found myself back in the same place.
How many times has my mind raced and by heart galloped in my chest as a result of the sugar surging through my veins and arteries. Many were the times that I thought or acted irrationally under the influence. I remember one time as a senior in undergrad taking a photo course. Each week we had critiques when we exhibited our work, presented and listened to the comments of our peers. During one particular class (after I had been binging excessively) the professor looked over at me as if to as “are you alright?” I remember the alarm/question/ concern in his eyes. I was wearing a heavy black coat, my hair was probably disheveled, and I know that my body was slouched/bent in an awkward position. As soon as he looked at me I straightened up and tried to look presentable. It could be also that he, in fact, never thought those things. But I knew was I was doing the night before, the hours before class—his wyes mirrored my internal shame.

And here's the hope, on page 29, "Further on, clear-cut directions are given showing how we recovered." Wow, clear cut directions! And there's that word again - recovered. Do you see how maybe there is a Power out there that is greater than you, and certainly greater than food which might restore you to sanity? Write about that for your step work.

Although the path may be laid out in front of me in a clear cut manner it is not easy. I MUST work for it. When I hear the ESH of members with back to back abstinence over years that gives me incredible hope. Entering these rooms in November 2007 I really had no idea of the journey I would be embarking upon. Being completely free from the shackles of bingeing and food addiction was a foreign land that was referenced by those who I thought were stronger than me. But I have not glimpsed the shore of this island of recovery that so many have found refuge upon. And it is real! I do not have to be afraid that I will drown or not reach its shores I just have to keep swimming. God will carry me safely to shore. As it says on page 25, “there is no middle of the road solution.” Daily I must completely abandon myself to God and in my surrender find safety, joy, freedom- all the promises that come as a result of abstinence. Proverbs 4:23 states “Above all else, guard your heart for out of it flows the wellspring of life.” My heart is my abstinence. Without this anchor I will certainly drown in these treacherous waters of life.
At a recent meeting I attended a lady shared about her daughter who is very sick with chronic seizures that the doctors are trying to determine the cause of. Each time she shares she says the same thing at the beginning, “ My name is ……., I weigh and measure each meal, 3 meals with nothing in between and I send it to my sponsor. God and my abstinence are everything to me. And I mean that.” When I first heard her I thought she was obnoxious and too rigid. But now I understand. Given that trauma that she is currently enduring how can she get out of bed in the morning, how can she smile, how can she remember my name and wish me well? Simply because of the rock of abstinence. If she was actively in the food she would be killing herself and of no help to her daughter. In the midst of suffering there is hope. Self-care is not selfish. I cannot be of any use to God or others when I am abusing food. All that I must sacrifice to preserve my abstinence is small compared to the sanity and peace I receive in return.
All this talk of abstinence does scare me a little I must admit. What if I relapse and lose it? I know that God will never leave me and relapse will occur if I am seeking the food more than I am seeking God. A gentlemen recently shared that he used to fear relapse but he doesn’t any longer. In the early days of recovery he made “one day at a time” his mantra and now the future and food are neutral to him. His priority is only to do all he can to ensure that he hits the pillow that night abstinent. The rest will take care of itself. What freedom! The future is in God’s hands and thankful I am not God. He has just given me this one day to seek him. Am I abstinent right now? YES. I then must ask myself: what is the next thing I can do to preserve/support this abstinence? I have no control over tomorrow or next year, But God I pray for you to show me the next step.

dough

so i told my parents.
i feel a combination of relief: i no longer have to be covert about going to meetings, but i feel pressure: what if i don't lose weight?
it came out inadvertently. i did not plan on telling them until i lost weight and proved the program works. also food issues are so personal to me that it felt awkward. yet we were talking about a lot of stuff. and my mother expressed concern about how i am not taking care of myself. issues in the past with drinking etc. and they are worried about where i am going in the evenings. so out of respect for them and love (i don't want them to worry) i shared about OA. i cried-- you know the ugly cry where your face gets all balled up like dough. but they listened. they questioned. they supported.
i love them.
i'm off to a meeting. this marks day 27.