right now

i am binging. and it isn't working. i am not happy, sad or any extreme emotion. just indifferent. i went to a meeting tonight so that makes it day 13. i met with my sponsor, becky for dinner before the meeting and it was good. i was more than satisfied. yet i end up here swimming in the metallic madness of wrappers. the brownies taste like shit. i devoured the first one in the car even though I knew from the first bite that I did not like the taste, but i ate it anyway. i opened it and took one bite and was disgusted-- it tastes like synthetic crap. this is not food. gotta admit that the twix still tastes good to me.
anatomy of a binge:
this began after the NA meeting on wednesday when i was thinking about what to do that evening and i had no clear plan. the seeds of self-pity and loneliness were present, i did try to make plans but it did not work out. my brother and i ended up talking to my brother and watching a movie online. i was eating during that and that was the turning point. that behavior of consuming while being entertained with the internet and tv is dangerous for me. i rationalized it in my mind that i could not overeat on pea soup (but since it is a starch that is slippery territory for me too) yet that led to me finishing off 7 rice cakes with peanut butter and raisins. and i did not admit this last night but i was wrestling with eating eggs. food was definitely very present and one my mind. tonight i was fine then as i was driving home from the meeting the thought popped in my head to stop by the store. i began to clutch my phone yet i did not dial. i can vividly recall tucking my phone back in my purse while in the drocery parking lot. walking into the store i walked determinedly to the food knowing i would binge... and shutting off the oa rhetoric. i think i even shook my head because the words of truth, that i did not have to do this, i have a choice to walk out and that the food will not solve anything- were echoing in my head.
so the crucial question is: what did i do to create an environment that helps me set my mind on things other than food?
despite the binge tonight i do not feel hopeless. i KNOW that this is only one brief moment on the continuum of my life. this moment does not have to define me. i choose to learn from it, surrender to god and accept it as further conformation that: " i am powerless over food- that my life has become unmanageable."